i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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