When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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