Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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