Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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