You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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