This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
