my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
