I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
