I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
