so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
