i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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