i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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