Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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