So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
