fuck your aforementioned shoe
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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