hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
