Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
