apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
