How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
