My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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