I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
