I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Randomize
