remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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