my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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