i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
