you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
