The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
