this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
