Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
