ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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