I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
