Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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