Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
