and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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