Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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