just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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