ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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