I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
