i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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