Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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