i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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