Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
