Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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