Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
