I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
only if we run a train.
done.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
