Are we in a gay sports bar?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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