I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
