Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
