So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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