so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
